


purple lilacs

by starryguan



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, First Love, Humor, I Promise U reference, M/M, PanWink - Freeform, Secret Admirer, but this is sad im sorry, watering the panwink tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 14:17:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16518074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryguan/pseuds/starryguan
Summary: When I wished that just one personWould be on my sideEven when the world deceived meOnly you believed in me





	purple lilacs

**_September_ **

 

11 in the evening, two cups of coffee in and a tired Jihoon was still awake and struggling to finish his written report. The deadline was closing up on him, but despite his best efforts, it seemed like it was all for naught.

 

The caffeine in his system ran rampant, coursing through his veins and making him jump at the slightest of sounds. He looked down at his phone, heart still pounding, to see that it was merely a message notification.

 

_leesashimi: I hope the hot caramel macchiato made you smile!_

 

The message was what made Jihoon smile. He doesn’t know whether to blame the caffeine or the message he just received for his erratic heartbeat. It was loud and fast—he could’ve sworn he could hear it himself; he almost likened it to the beating of a hummingbird’s heart.

 

_parkjijiji: It really did! Thanks again! :) BTW, when will you let me know who you are?_

 

Jihoon sighed because as usual, he didn’t get any response after that. Whoever this is has been sending him gifts every day without fail since November. It was frustrating to know that 10 months in, and he still has no clue about who exactly this mystery person is. All he knows is that they’re from the same school, and that he’s a guy who cares for him a lot. He doesn’t have a name to call him by, so he refers to him using his username.

 

Back in December, he had told him they were ready to reveal himself. They arranged a meeting at a nearby café. Jihoon was so excited—going as far as planning his outfit the night before—only to have it cancelled last minute. _“Something came up,”_ he was he said, nothing more and nothing less.

 

_parkjijiji: I know you won’t reply back but hey, have a good night._

 

He typed _“I’m really hoping to meet you!”_ soon after, but decided against sending it. As much as he wanted to meet him, he didn’t want to sound impatient or demanding. The day will come soon. He just has to have some patience.

 

The next day at school, Jihoon followed his usual routine. He walked to his locker, placed his heavy Chemistry and Microbiology books on the shelf, and picked up the gift that has now become a staple in his locker. Every day was different, always a pleasant surprise to start the day right.

 

Today he found that his mystery man had left a slice of banana bread wrapped in clear plastic, and a yellow post-it note saying _“Good luck today!”_

 

A few weeks into the gift-giving, Jihoon decided to take a leap of faith and give him his combination. He placed the note on top of the locker, where the gifts were usually left at the time. He trusted he wouldn’t steal anything from him—only place what he wished to give and leave after he had done so.

 

The first time was admittedly nerve-wracking as he knew nothing of leesashimi’s character, but as time went by he had learned to wholeheartedly trust this man. He no longer felt nervous when he checked his locker in the morning—quite contrary, he actually felt happy. It was one of the little things he looked forward to every day.

 

A smile crept on Jihoon’s face, a near permanent fixture nowadays. He removed the note and placed it in a small pink box in the corner of his locker where he put all of the notes he had received thus far.

 

He munched on the banana bread on his way to class, savoring the tasty treat. Whoever this was never ceased to amaze him, whether it be due to the heartfelt notes or how he seemed to know him so well.

 

“Wow! Bae Jinyoung! I didn’t know you had the ability to come to class this early?” he mocked his friend in lieu of a greeting.

 

He sat beside Jinyoung, whose eyes were trained on his laptop screen. Jihoon could swear that if you looked close enough, you could see a fire behind his friend’s onyx eyes.

 

Whenever Jihoon doesn’t get enough sleep, he has the tendency to go to school hours before his actual class starts, thus explaining why he was there at 7:45 for a class that wouldn’t even start until 9:00.

 

Jihoon does this because his bed seems to call out to him whenever he has even the littlest time to rest. One time he gave in and found himself bound to his bed, as if magnetized. As fate would have it, the only outside force that could break the magnetic bond—i.e. his alarm—was absent from the equation. All of this combined led to him missing his classes and missing the deadlines for projects that were due on that day. That alone was enough to teach him a lesson.

 

“Shut up, dick head.” Jinyoung, still too immersed on typing something, didn’t even bother to look at Jihoon.

 

Inside the classroom, it was all too quiet. Around them students crammed for a test later that day, eyes glued to their textbooks, forcing their brains to absorb paragraphs upon paragraphs of information. The only sound that could be heard throughout the room was the tapping—or rather smashing—of a computer’s keyboard.

 

Jihoon, ever the curious one, leaned closer to Jinyoung. His eyes widened when he saw what was on the display—a half-finished written report. The very same report due in a few hours.

 

“You weren’t able to finish your report? What the ever fucking love happened? Did you fall asleep?” Jihoon asked.

 

Jinyoung sighed. “It was Daehwi’s Mom’s birthday yesterday and I got invited to her party. I got back to my dorm at 10, and fell asleep while typing this in bed. Now I’m royally screwed.”

 

_Ah, it was his boyfriend’s Mom’s birthday._

 

“I see,” Jihoon muttered, mouth stuffed with banana bread. “If you need help, just wake me up. I’m gonna take a quick nap,” he said, words muffled by the food in his mouth. Twenty years on this earth and somehow he still hadn’t learned the basic etiquette of not talking when one’s mouth is full.

 

Instead of just nodding at Jihoon’s offer, Jinyoung finally looked at Jihoon. “Was that banana bread? Damn! Reminds me I didn’t even have breakfast.”

 

Jihoon nodded as a response to the latter’s question and tapped his friend’s shoulder. He took his backpack—which he placed on the chair to his right earlier, and put it on his arm rest. He used it as a pillow so that he can have a more comfortable nap. He could still hear Jinyoung talk, but his sleepy mind wasn’t as good at comprehension.

 

The commotion in the classroom woke him up. He checked the time—8:50 AM. The professor came in late but had to leave early because she was to attend a faculty meeting; the only reason she showed up in the first place was to collect their papers.

 

After they passed their papers, Jinyoung invited Jihoon to have lunch with him at a nearby diner, since Jinyoung was too focused on the work due that day to have a proper meal.

 

On the way to the diner Jihoon’s phone buzzed, and from the huge smile on his face, his friend could take a good guess at who the message was from. Regardless, he decided to tune out any conversation that Jinyoung was trying to make with him in favor of answering his “secret admirer”.

 

_leesashimi: How was the banana bread?_

  
_parkjijiji: It was good! I didn’t have the time to eat anything before I went to school earlier, so thank you. Without you I would have collapsed hahaha_

  
_leesashimi: Great to hear that from you, Jihoon._

 

Even after their little interaction, Jihoon couldn’t find it in himself to wipe the smile off his face. Whoever this was gave him presents, asked for his two cents, but did nothing more. It’s always like this. _It has always been like this_ —as if his messages were programmed. _If it goes on like this, there would never be any progress between us._

 

At times, Jihoon thinks he’s talking to a robot—ridiculous as that may be.

 

Does leesashimi want to better their relationship? Does he want to know more about him? Because Jihoon knows to himself that he _does_ want more of this— _more of him._

 

“Hey! Your head is in the clouds again. Is it about that guy who’s been giving you food? Is our _sweet potato smoochiepoo munchkin_ finally in love?” Jinyoung asked causing Jihoon to turn red and had the urge to hit the pea-sized face idiot.

 

“Man I wish _he_ liked me instead. Daehwi is such a cheapskate,” Jinyoung replied with a deep sigh. “Anyway, here goes my first meal of the day!”

 

Jihoon took a big bite of his cheeseburger, paying no mind to his friend’s dramatics, and sipped cola from his straw to aid the hard food in going down to his stomach.

 

“How could you talk about your boyfriend like that? You asshole! Daehwi is such a nice guy.” He dipped about seven pieces of fries in ketchup, effortlessly shoving it in his mouth.

 

“Speaking of your boyfriend...” Jihoon trailed off, eating his food in peace.

 

“Wha-“ Jinyoung started, only to be cutoff by Daehwi himself.

 

“Guys! I thought you have a class at this hour? Are you cutting classes again?” Daehwi asked them. Jihoon looked up from his meal, surprised that Daehwi had memorized their schedule.

 

Dahewi sat down beside Jinyoung, placing the tray he’s holding on the table. Jinyoung was about to take a piece of Daehwi’s fries, but Daehwi was quick to slap his hand away; he almost looked like a dragon guarding his treasure with the way he shielded it from Jinyoung.

 

Jinyoung looked at Jihoon, who is now laughing as if he was watching a comedy show.

 

“See? I told you!” he said, an eyebrow raised.

 

“I get it now,” said Jihoon, trying to suppress his laughter.

 

“What do you mean by do you get it now? Were you guys talking about me before I arrived?” Daehwi asked, feigning hurt. “Ah! Scratch that,” he quickly amended. “You guys still haven’t answered my question.”

 

_Thank God Daehwi’s more interested in finding an answer than he was about finding out how his own boyfriend had called him a cheapskate prior to his arrival._

 

Jihoon wiped the sides of his mouth, as well as his oil covered fingers, with a tissue. “Our professors from our department have a faculty meeting so we don’t have classes until two.”

 

Daehwi looked at Jinyoung, feeling betrayed. “AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO TELL ME?!”

 

“I’m sorry. I was about to, okay? But at least I didn’t cut classes,” Jinyoung ended his statement with a wink to escape even though he knows that it won’t work which he finds unfair, because it always works the other way around.

 

With Jinyoung acting cute in front of Daehwi, Jihoon knows where this conversation was going.

 

“THE FUCKING AUDACITY?” Daehwi practically screeched.

 

“Wow you’re already glowing with rage. You’re already eating with me! What else do you want?” Jinyoung said, voice loud but not anywhere near Daehwi’s volume.

 

“If I haven’t gone here, I wouldn’t even know! We rarely go ou--,” Daehwi started.

 

“Stop it you guys,” Jihoon cut Daehwi off, putting a halt to their little quarrel. He sighed at how ridiculous his friends were.

 

Jinyoung and Daehwi always fought over shallow things like this, but Jihoon has no  
more fucks to give; he was used to it. The lover’s quarrel happened far too often, but always ended in them making up; cuddling like there was no tomorrow.

 

“Anyway,” Jihoon said after the chaos had somewhat died down, “Seongwu sent me a message saying he wants to meet me at the Student Center, so I’ll leave you two here after I finish my meal.”

 

Jihoon left the diner as soon as he could. There was clearly still some tension in the air as he bid his goodbyes, but—as usual—he paid it no mind. He was sure they’d kiss and make-up sooner or later anyway.

  
—

  
Thankfully the Student Centre building wasn’t too far away and locating Seongwu was just as easy. He sat alone in one of the rooms, a table littered with all kinds of art materials laid out before him.

 

“Seongwu? What’s up?” Jihoon asked.

 

Seongwu is an art major student, currently in his 5th year, known for being one of the top students in their department. He’s well loved in his department and talented beyond his years—so much so that some major companies are offering him contracts despite his current status as a student.

 

“Oh, Jihoon!” Seongwu said, turning to face him, “You came! How was your lunch?”

 

“Fastfood gets better every single day,” Jihoon said, shrugging and donning a sardonic smile. He stepped in to the room and close the door behind him. He leaned against a nearby wall, crossing his arms and staring at Seongwu. “Okay, get straight to the point. What do you need?”

 

Jihoon took a good look at what Seongwu was drawing, and curiosity got the best of him. Jihoon pulled up a chair and sat next to him, tucking his bag under the table. He rested his elbow on the table, and his chin on his palm as he continued to take a few mental guesses.

 

Eventually he gave up and just asked, “What’s that?” while making a vague gesture to the sketchbook.

 

“A plate. It’s due tomorrow,” Seongwu answered.

 

Jihoon looked at it, scrutinizing the work in front of him. Clearly, he had just started—not a good idea for something that was due the very next day.

 

“Weren’t you working on something else the other day? When is that due? Isn’t it due tomorrow too? Why did you only start on this now?” Jihoon asked, genuinely confused. He couldn’t see how someone could be this lax about having two major tasks due soon, yet having _maybe 20%_ of each done.

 

Sometimes Jihoon wondered about what was going through Seongwu’s head—what made him tick, what his thought process was, and what made him so charming and appealing not only to his peers, but also to his elders.

 

Along with that came thoughts of what his weakness could be, because surely under this whole “I’m-the-epitome-of-perfection” façade had a crack in it somewhere. No human is perfect after all.

 

It had taken him quite some time, but what he uncovered never failed to make him laugh. Mr. Perfect’s weakness was none other than Hwang Minhyun. Jihoon’s _half-brother._

 

Seongwu found it cute when Jihoon bombarded him with questions. “Yes. It’s obvious that I haven’t started anything and the thing that I was working on the other day is for _another purpose_ which is why I need you to help me,” Seongwu stated matter-of-factly.

 

“Ong Seongwu, cramming for his plate. What a sight.”

 

“Look. I didn’t call you here to mock at me. I need your help.” He turned to properly face Jihoon, “Please help me write an article. I need to submit it to our editor-in-chief as soon as possible.”

 

Jihoon raised an eyebrow but wasn’t surprised. He knew Seongwu would ask for a favor like this.

 

“An article about what?” he asked.

 

Seongwu handed Jihoon out the drafts of the article he had made as well as some additional information contributed by the other members of the organization. They are both writers of the Paragon, the official publication of the university. They may not be literature majors, but they do both love writing.

 

“About the music competition that was held in Japan and uh-,” Seongwu gulped nervously, hoping Jihoon would help him, despite the difficulty of the task at hand.

 

“I also need you to interview the people involved,” Seongwu said, trying to keep himself from making it sound like a big deal. He knew this was asking a lot of someone—but he didn’t really have much of a choice.

 

Jihoon furrowed his brows while his eyes are still focused on the drafts Seongwu gave him. He supposed it could be an interesting task, plus it’s a great escape from having to deal with Jinyoung and Daehwi.

 

“Park Woojin and Lai Guanlin from the music department?” He looked up at Seongwu, “Why do I feel like I’ve heard their names before?”

 

Jihoon continued to skim the files, learning of the details of the competition and the scale of it all. He was impressed to say the least when he read that it was an international competition, and not just some sort of training camp for musicians.

 

“Have you ever heard of the song ‘I Promise You’?” Seongwu asked, hoping it would spark some recognition in Jihoon and peak his interest at the same time.

 

“Did they write that?!” Jihoon asked, abruptly standing from his chair. “I love that song! I listen to it daily!” he exclaimed.

 

Seongwu breathed a sigh of relief, thankful for Jihoon’s enthusiasm.

 

“And who in the world doesn’t love that song?” Seongwu said, needing to make sure Jihoon was sold on the idea.

 

Seongwu dug around his desk and found a few more notes on the musical duo. “They’ve easily become the pride of the Music Department—and soon hopefully the whole university too. They’re very talented, and care more about their music than what they might earn through it.”

 

“Alright then,” Jihoon said, putting the papers in his backpack, “I’ll work on it. But don’t forget about my jellies,” he said, winking at the other.

 

Seongwu rolled his eyes at him. He should’ve expected this from the beginning, but it was a small price to pay. “Yeah. Take all the fuckin’ jellies you want. After all, _sunbaes_ should treat their _hoobaes_.”

 

“Goodbye, SUNBAENIM!” Jihoon made sure he emphasized the last word as he moved to exit the room.

 

“Wait!” Seongwu exclaimed. “H-how is your brother doing?” he asked, suddenly less confident than he was mere moments ago.

 

Jihoon smiled knowingly, which in turn annoyed Seongwu.

 

“Minhyun-hyung’s doing just fine. If you miss him, why not just fake an illness again for you to have a reason to go to his clinic? But nevermind! He’s assigned at the pediatrics at the moment, unless you want to pretend like a baby,” Jihoon mockingly said, sticking out his tongue at the other.

 

“PARK JIHOON YOU BRAT!” Seongwu called out as Jihoon hurriedly left the room.

 

Jihoon couldn’t help but laugh at how whipped Seongwu was when it came to his older brother. What made it even more hilarious for him was the fact that the latter had had a crush on his brother for quite some time now—since it apparently started at an acquaintance party early into their freshman year.

  
—

  
Friday came around soon enough. Jihoon walked under the blazing sun to make his way to the Music Department’s building. He hadn’t gone there very often, only managing to visit once before to accompany his brother in watching a musical play.

 

Minhyun was a fan of the musical arts—a fact that came in handy when his birthday had neared once and Jihoon was too pre-occupied to buy a gift until the last minute. Luckily for him, a musical production was happening at the time, and he managed to snag some tickets for the both of them. He couldn’t say he enjoyed it as much as his brother did because the only thing that made him enjoyed and not doze off was because of the _prince_ at the play, but it was _memorable_ to say the least.

 

Jihoon walked into the unfamiliar building, nerves starting to eat away at him. He had been practicing the night prior, yet he felt ill-prepared for this interview. There was quite a lot at stake, given both Seongwu’s deadline and Park Woojin & Lai Guanlin’s tight schedules.

 

“Excuse me, do you know him?” Jihoon showed the pictures of Woojin and Guanlin to a music student who has a jet black hair which matches his ivory black clothing and holding a saxophone that was obviously well-taken care of that you can hardly find any scratches.

 

“Oh, this is Park Woojin, he’s my classmate,” the student placed his index finger on the picture on the right. “And this is Lai Guanlin, but he’s a-“

 

“Hyungseob? Euiwoong has been waiting for you inside. You still need to practice, right?” A tan skinned student, slightly taller than him, hair dyed with red and a charming snaggletooth which suits him very much who just came out from the classroom appeared in front of them.

 

The hall was kind of noisy because the students are practicing with their own instruments. Surprisingly, each instruments produce good sounds which kind of created a harmony and doesn’t irritate Jihoon’s ears at all.

 

“Great timing. Woojin, he’s looking for you and yeah. I know. Fuck. I’m screwed,” Hyungseob dashed through the hallway and went straight to the classroom where Woojin came out from.

 

“I heard you’re looking for me. What may I help you with?”

 

Jihoon didn’t want to let Woojin know how starstruck he was since he’s one of the composers of his favorite song so he tried his best to act naturally. “Yes, I’m Park Jihoon by the way from the Health Allied Department and I’m here to-“ Jihoon’s introduction got cut off by Woojin along with a shocked expression.

 

“P-Park Jihoon? From the Health Allied Department? Wait- Are you the only Park Jihoon in your department?”

 

Jihoon furrowed his eyebrows at the latter’s reaction. What was that? Does _he_ know him? But Jihoon is sure that this is his first time seeing Woojin. Or maybe not? But he’s a hundred and one percent sure that he’s acting very strange. _Really strange._

 

“Well, I believe I am the only Park Jihoon in my department. Why do you ask?”

 

Woojin shook his head but Jihoon saw how flustered Woojin still is. Eyes roaming everywhere, obviously avoiding Jihoon’s eye contact, lips gone slightly paler than before and looked like he was having a hard time breathing.

 

“A-are you okay?” As much as Jihoon wanted to sound like he’s concerned, it sounded nothing but a confused and rather scared tone. He couldn’t be for he will be the one responsible if ever something happens to Woojin.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m acting strange am I?” _You do._ “Anyway, why are you looking for me though?”

 

“Oh, as I was saying, I’m also a writer from the Paragon and I would like to have an interview with you and Guanlin regarding the International Music Competition that was held last November. Can you spare some time? Ong Seongwu was the one who were supposed to be here but he has other things to do.”

 

Woojin let out a deep sigh with the eyes mixed with lots of emotions to the point that it can’t be read anymore. “I see. Sure. And by the way, didn’t Ong Seongwu tell you that I’m the only one who is going to do the interview? I’m pretty sure I made that clear to him.”

 

Jihoon’s eyes got narrower since Seongwu didn’t tell that to him. “Why? Where’s Lai Guanlin? Did he go som-“

 

“Do you want to do this interview or not? I have a class at 1. Do it or forget it.”

 

Jihoon got startled by Woojin’s sudden mood change so he just nodded and said sorry. It has only been 5 minutes and Jihoon thought that Woojin has already showed him more than a thousand of emotions. _I just hope the interview would go well and damn! Are all music students like this?_

 

They moved to the empty music hall for a proper interview. Aside from the hallway being noisy, there are also lots of students who are busy with their stuff and didn’t even bother to look where they were going, bumping into them. Jihoon even got hit by an instrument he doesn’t know on his crotch, feeling his soul leave for a minute.

 

The music hall is still as elegant as ever. The interior is framed by undulating concrete walls that support wooden balconies, velvety red curtains and chairs, and a well-polished floor in which he remembered how Minhyun pointed it out when they watched a musical on how he wanted to achieve a floor like that for their apartment but didn’t have enough time to do so.

 

They occupied the two seats at the last row. Jihoon turned on his recording device and started the interview. The interview went well and Jihoon was quite amazed at how Woojin answered the questions very well.

 

“What inspired you and Lai Guanlin while composing the song?”

 

“Nah. Guanlin did almost eighty percent of the work and I’m just the one who re-arranged the song. On behalf of him, it was more like _who_ inspired him to compose this song. It was none other than the person whom he liked- I mean _he likes._ ”

“So basically, he’s dedicating that song for the person he likes?”

 

“Exactly. It was October last year since he started composing the song. He doesn’t have plans on releasing it publicly until our Professor got to hear the song while he was practicing it. Surprisingly, our professor liked the song and made me re-arrange it to add some rapping parts as well as the other instrumentals so that it can target a broader range of listeners. So, I did it. I added some rap parts, added beats and consulted Guanlin about it in which he approved immediately. We then both recorded the song and our Professor submitted the song as the university’s entry for the competition.”

 

 _Woojin is right_ , Jihoon thought. The song is easy to listen to and is well-loved by all ages.

 

“So in this song, Lai Guanlin’s the one who is singing and you are the one who is rapping?”

 

“And I give you, Park Jihoon a prize.”

 

Jihoon can’t get more amazed. Pancham is the name of the artist of that song and he didn’t know until now, that Pancham is composed of Guanlin and Woojin. Guanlin’s soothing voice along with Woojin’s crystal clear rap, they really made a great duo.

 

More questions and answers were exchanged and the interview went surprisingly better than what Jihoon had expected. Jihoon had a feeling that the interview was going to be a mess since their first conversation with each other was… well, a _mess_.

 

“Thank you for your cooperation, Park Woojin. I assure you that a good article would be published. And if Guanlin’s around, can you please ask him to contact me so I ca-” Jihoon already wrote 4 digits of his contact number on a small piece of paper when Woojin cut him off.

 

“Look, Park Jihoon. I’ve already answered all your questions regarding the competition and even the questions involving Guanlin. Just, please make a good article out of it. And I hope this would be the last time we’ll talk. Not unless you remember _him_ ,” Woojin pointed at Guanlin’s picture beside his that was attached to the draft Jihoon was holding.

 

“That’s the only time we will talk again. It was nice meeting you by the way.”

 

There was sadness in Woojin’s eyes which reflected in his words right away. Jihoon had so many questions to ask. Too many that his mind already gave up and all he did was give Woojin an assuring nod and barely managed to say thank you. They shook hands like what happens after the usual interviews and left the music hall together. Jihoon walking straight back to the Health Allied Department, and Woojin heading back to his classroom.

 

 _Woojin’s right, again_ , Jihoon thought. Woojin answered all Jihoon’s questions smoothly and even the questions he prepared for Guanlin.

 

But, Jihoon still felt empty inside. It was like Woojin gave him half of what he needs to know—and another half of what he _doesn’t want_ to know.

 

‘And I hope this would be the last time we’ll talk. Not unless you remember him.’ Woojin’s statement made him look at Guanlin’s photo again. _What was he trying to imply? What does he want me to do?_

 

Before he realized it, he was staring at the picture for God-who-knows-how-long that he had already walk past by the Health Allied Department’s building, but Jihoon couldn’t care less.

“Who the hell are you? Are you really this pale or it’s just because of the lighting when they took this. If I look into your eyes, will they be as captivating as they already are in the photo? And your lips, will the– fucking damn it Jihoon! Now’s not the time to give the person giving you headache such compliments!” He let out a grunt out of frustration and put the papers in his backpack.

 

What happened during the break was too much for Jihoon to bear. As much as he wanted to focus on the lectures, his thoughts seemed to be flying around the whole afternoon.

 

_Can’t this day get any weirder?_

 

Jihoon felt something on his head and furrowed his eyebrows when he looked at the person beside him who’s holding Jihoon’s pen. “You dumbo. I asked for a sharpener not a pen.”

 

_Oh yeah, I’m gonna be stuck with a weirdo for the rest of the afternoon._

 

“Oops. My bad,” Jihoon took the pen back from Jinyoung. He didn’t even remember handing it to his annoying friend.

 

“What happened to you though? Is there something that senior named Ong Seongwu did to you? You’re clearly out of it,” Jinyoung said instead of thanking Jihoon for lending him the sharpener with rabbit ears design.

 

“Nah. He can’t pick on me. You know how whipped he is from my brother.”

 

“Then spill.”

 

“Later,” Jihoon whispered as their professor came back inside their classroom.

 

Jihoon may find Jinyoung an asshole most of the time, he can’t deny the fact that his friend gives the best advices next to his brother, and as much as Jihoon wanted to let his bottling frustrations out to his friend, _it’s a Friday_ —which means Jinyoung will be having a date with Daehwi after class.

 

Jinyoung couldn’t say no because having a date on Fridays is part of their _‘dating routine’_ — well that’s how Daehwi calls it.

 

Instead of going straight to his apartment, Jihoon decided to pay his brother, Minhyun, a visit at the University’s hospital.

 

After asking the nurses assigned at the Information post regarding Minhyun’s appointment, he made his way to the pediatrics’ room. A sight of Minhyun talking to a lady, in which Jihoon assumed is in her mid -40s, with a sobbing child on her lap, welcomed him.

 

“Hey, hyung,” he greeted his brother casually and bowed in front of the lady who was sitting across his brother.

 

“Oh, Jihoon! What brings you here?” Jihoon is busy with school works which is why Minhyun appreciates it a lot whenever his brother pays him a visit. “He’s my younger brother who’s also studying in this university.”

 

“Good afternoon, Ma’am.” Jihoon said politely, in which the lady replied it with a genuine smile.

 

He lowered his head to excuse himself and made his way to the empty patient bed on the other side of the room to wait for Minhyun to finish with his appointment, swinging his legs which don’t touch the floor.

 

“I need to have you checked again so you have to come back, okay?” Minhyun leaned forward and touch the kid’s left upper arm with a cute yellow sticker. “See it doesn’t hurt anymore! And I promise you I’ll have more candies and stickers by next week.”

 

Minhyun is on his internship in their University’s hospital, and Jihoon could say that his brother is doing well on his first semester.

 

“Again, what brings you here?” Minhyun swiveled in the chair to face Jihoon after the lady and the kid left the room.

 

“Is your shift over?” Jihoon replied him with a question instead.

 

Minhyun gave the latter a nod. “Yup! That was my last patient for the day I believe.”

 

Jihoon’s face suddenly brightened. “Then hyung, let’s go out tonight. I want to drink after a long hectic week.”

 

“But you have classes on Saturday!”

 

“Psh. It’s just Philosophy class.”

 

Minhyun doesn’t have a shift on Saturdays this semester so he agreed without hesitation. Besides, it has been awhile since the last time they hung out together.

 

It was just a 15-minute drive from the University to the night club. They are already regulars there not just because they overall love the place, but also they get discounts since it is run by Seongwu’s father.

 

_Jihoon: We’re at your dad’s bar. Yes, WE! I’m with someone you Miss. ;)_

 

He chuckled lowly at the thought that Seongwu is going to be at the bar any minute now, while practicing his lines on the way to make it look like it was just a coincidence of him and Minhyun meeting at the bar.

 

“So is it about your academics? The Paragon? Or that guy who gives you food every day? What’s bothering you?” Minhyun asked his younger brother who had just taken two shots of tequila.

 

Minhyun was four when his father left. Other kids at his age would go to kindergarten, play with their classmates and come home with their fathers, greeting their noses with the aroma of warm soup coming from the kitchen— eager to tell their parents what happened at school. As for him, he went to the kindergarten alone since his mother needs to leave early for work. He didn’t have friends since he barely spoke and the corner of the 4-walled room was his favorite spot.

 

Not until his mother met another man whom he considered as one of the most amazing people he knows. He treated Minhyun as if he was his own son and felt the fatherly-love he have never felt before. Until Jihoon came into their lives.

 

Minhyun witnessed his younger brother’s growth, shared stories with each other, and he could say that Jihoon was the one who changed him, encouraged him, gave him hope, and one of the reasons why he has come this far.

 

“Hyung! Would you still love me the same even if I go insane?”

 

The older burst out laughing. “You’ve just had two shots of tequila and you’re already talking like you’re drunk? I mean, I know you’re a lightweight but I know you’re better than that.”

 

“Coming from a person who has zero tolerance when it comes to alcohol.”

 

Minhyun felt Jihoon’s intense glare towards him. Jihoon’s intention was to show his older brother how offended and annoyed he was but having a naturally cute face didn’t let him succeed, causing Minhyun to snort and pinch the younger’s plump and already red cheeks.

 

“Seriously hyung, I don’t actually even know what’s happening. This man right here,” Jihoon paused and slammed a small photo on the table. “I feel like I know him but I don’t. There’s a connection but it’s blurred. I shouldn’t be investing too much emotions on such things but here I am. Do you really want to be a pediatrician? Wanna give being a psychiatrist a try?” he continued.

 

Minhyun’s knuckles landed on Jihoon’s arm softly, before taking a look at the photo of a student Jihoon was talking about, full of curiosity.

 

“What do you mean by you feel like you know him but you really don’t?” Minhyun’s eyes didn’t leave the boy’s photo.

 

“EXACTLY! I can’t believe I wasn’t able to listen attentively in my afternoon classes ‘cos of a whole load of bullshits. Now I have to copy some notes from Jinyoung,” Jihoon sighed, already imagining himself struggling to understand Jinyoung’s chicken scratch.

 

“HEY! You guys are also here?” A loud voice coming from afar greeted them, and in a blink of an eye, the man in a blue polo was already sitting beside Jihoon. “O-oh. Minhyun, nice to see you again.”

 

“Likewise.”

 

Seongwu gave the latter a grin but deep inside, he was already about to combust just from a single word. After all, it has been forever since the last time he has heard the most angelic voice in this entire system. And forever in Seongwu’s dictionary means _last Wednesday._

 

“So, Seongwu. How did your plate go?” Seongwu noticed that the younger is already tipsy based off from his hoarse voice.

 

“I was able to pass it on time thanks to you. I just need to go to the grocery for your jellies.” He poured tequila on the empty shot glass and drank it as if it was just water and no matter how many times Minhyun has already seen that, he’s still always in awe everytime Seongwu does that.

 

“As expected from the one and only Ong Seongwu.” Jihoon whose cheeks are much more red than before, put his thumbs up in the air and beamed.

 

“Wait. Isn’t this Lai Guanlin? Why is his photo here and by the way, how did the interview go?” Seongwu lifted Guanlin’s picture that was on the table to take a closer look, until Jihoon stopped him from doing so by grabbing and putting it inside his pocket.

 

“It went well I guess? Hyung, did you know that Seongwu finished a fucking plate in less than a day? Wish I could also cram like that.” He tried to avoid Seongwu’s questions. It seemed like Seongwu wasn’t sold but good thing his brother was with them.

 

Minhyun’s brows furrowed and gave Seongwu a confused look. “I thought you had nothing to do and had lots of time to spare which is why you were able to give me a handmade portrait painting last Wednesday?"

The alcohol in Jihoon’s mouth sprayed towards Minhyun’s direction and laughed like a madman.

 

“Is there any hidden humor on what I just said?” Minhyun asked calmly.

 

Minhyun surprisingly didn’t get mad, considering that he’s a complete clean freak and just wiped his face with tissue.

 

“What the fuck Park Jihoon?” Seongwu exclaimed. “That’s disgusting!”

 

“And what the fuck Ong Seongwu? You gave my brother a handmade portrait painting? So that was what you were doing instead of starting on your plate already?” Jihoon was amazed. He didn’t know that Seongwu was capable of cramming his plates in less than a day just to make his brother a handmade portrait.

 

_Damn. The power of love, really._

 

“Words, Jihoon. He’s still your senior. Besides, what’s wrong with Seongwu giving me a portrait? I mean, there’s nothing wrong about it. By the way, thank you Seongwu,” his gaze shifted to Seongwu. “I appreciate it but, yeah I don’t want to be the reason why you don’t get enough sleep. You need to take care of that handsome face of yours.”

 

Seongwu’s cheeks and ears turned as red as Jihoon’s cheeks, and as a heavy drinker, it was not because of the alcohol. It was his first time hearing Minhyun compliment him and all he just wanted to do was give the beautiful man in front of him a kiss that he wouldn’t damn care if Minhyun’s going to respond or not. _But then again, he’s Ong Seongwu._

 

“Yeah. It’s just a portrait. Guess there’s no other meaning behind it. Maybe I’m just delusional. Yeah fuck. But it’s not fun to be a wheel anymore. I’m still here,” Jihoon was obviously mocking the both of them with his voice almost unrecognizable while looking at Seongwu and Minhyun alternately with weary eyes.

 

The two plastered a smile on their lips before sharing soft giggles as they found the tipsy Jihoon— _more like already drunk, cute._

 

Since the day the interview with Woojin happened, he had a lot of trouble sleeping. He was also trying his best to act as if nothing’s bothering him in front of everyone which he found really tiring. He would stare at Guanlin’s picture every night, and let himself drown in his own thoughts, trying to figure out what he was supposed to remember, but he can’t seem to fit the puzzle pieces together.

 

The only thing he can do for now is to wait for Guanlin, assuming that he went out of the country since he heard from Seongwu that he’s a foreigner.

 

_Yeah. I’ll just wait for him to come back. I can’t wait to tell him how annoying his friend Woojin is._

 

Days passed and Jihoon tried to keep himself busy by focusing on his studies and on Paragon.

 

As for _leesashimi_ , it has always been like the usual—he would ask him if he liked what he gave, Jihoon would say yes and thank him, _leesashimi_ would say ‘goodnight’ if it was evening and ‘have a good day’ if Jihoon managed to reply by afternoon.

 

He hangs out with Daehwi and Jinyoung during his free time and visits his brother once in a while at the hospital. And of course, he also sees Woojin around the university.

 

It was pretty obvious that Woojin was ignoring his existence. _It’s better like this. I don’t have much time in my hands to deal with another series of headache anyway_ , he thought.

 

He would be lying if he denied that he tried searching for Guanlin’s accounts on different social media platforms. After a few nights, he has came into conclusion that the boy isn’t into social media.

 

Deep inside his system, he was hoping that he would see Guanlin around. _But there were no signs of him._

 

Jihoon always asks why life is so unfair to him.

 

_Leesashimi. Lai Guanlin. Why am I the one who’s always on the waiting side?_

 

_**October** _

 

“The editor-in-chief said that it was well-written and will be included in the publication!” Seongwu exclaimed and Jihoon let out an airy yes and threw his arms in the air. It has been a month since he had submitted the article and to please their editor-in-chief is not an easy thing to do.

 

“Thank you! I’m also glad you gave me the opportunity to do so.”

 

“Nah. I should thank you. It was supposed to be my task but I passed the responsibility to you so, yep. I’m very grateful. And here are your jellies,” Seongwu handed Jihoon two bags of jellies.

 

Jihoon squinted his eyes because it’s not likely of Seongwu to give him that much. “Wow! I didn’t know you’re that grateful to give me two bags of jellies.”

 

“Uh- the other one is for your brother,” Seongwu mumbled, but it was clear enough for Jihoon to understand. The older cleared his throat.

 

“Aha! I knew there was something. But hey, don’t you think you should step up your game? You know how slow my brother is when it comes to stuff like this.”

 

And with that, Jihoon couldn’t help it but think of someone. _Does he have no plans on stepping up his game too?_

  
—

  
_**November**_

 

“Where the fuck is Daehwi? He was the one who asked us to be on campus at 4 in the morning to jog and for crying out loud he’s already 15 minutes late!” Jinyoung kept on nagging at Jihoon.

 

It was still dark and the cold incoming winter breeze was tightly hugging their bodies despite wearing padded jackets.

 

“Let’s head to our building first or we’ll damn freeze to death,” Jihoon calmly suggested to his friend who won’t stop nagging.

 

“Ugh! That idiot really. I’m gonna punch him in the face.”

 

“Really? You can do that to Daehwi?” Jihoon with mockery in his tone. Jinyoung was taken aback and let out a frustrated groan.

 

“Oh? There’s someone in here already? I can’t believe there are students who come to school at 4! I thought Daehwi had just completely lost his mind. Don’t they want to sleep?” They were already in front of the building and Jinyoung happened to see someone who just came out of the building.

 

“M-maybe he also came this early to j-jog,” Jihoon was stuttering.

 

"Why are you stuttering? Don't tell me it was a ghost!"

 

"Ugh! Poor Daehwi for having a weird boyfriend."

 

Minutes later, and Daehwi finally came to join them.

 

“Finally. Lee freaking Daehwi is already here,” Jinyoung then rolled his eyes prior to receiving a hit from his boyfriend. “Ouch! What the hell?”

 

“Don’t overreact Bae Jinyoung. You’re wearing a padded jacket,” Jihoon commented in which he got an ‘I-thought-you’re-my-fucking-friend’ look in return.

 

“Anyway I’m sorry. I had to take care of my brother. He went out to drink last night.”

 

The two understood Daehwi and can’t be blamed for being late. There wasn’t a day wherein Youngmin would not be taken home by his friends with his whole system shut down.

 

They jogged around the campus for a couple of minutes, to say that they really did “jog”, and walked for about an hour.

 

Daehwi and Jinyoung were bickering the whole time, and as for Jihoon, he was drowned in his thoughts again.

 

_What was Woojin doing in the Health Allied building at this hour? Could it be…_

 

Jihoon happened to tell his friend during their break on what have happened on the day of the interview. Jinyoung was also as puzzled, and told Jihoon to not immerse himself too much on such for Woojin might just be playing with him.

 

They didn’t talk about it since then, and Jinyoung doesn’t have a plan in bringing that up either. But he can’t help it but to empathize with his friend when Jihoon spaces out occasionally. Jinyoung just does everything he could to divert Jihoon’s attention.

 

Just when Jihoon thought his sleeping pattern has improved lately, he wasn’t able to sleep that night. He had a lot of time to spare since he doesn’t have any projects to pass or quizzes to take the next day.

 

Tons of _what ifs_ have been running in his mind the whole day. He waited for the clock to strike at around quarter to four. He got up, picked up his padded jacket, and went out silently since he didn’t want to wake Minhyun up, considering Minhyun only come to their apartment twice a week to get a decent sleep.

 

He went straight to the HA Department’s building and headed to the first floor where all the HA students’ lockers are placed. He doesn’t know why he was being careful as if he doesn’t want to get caught since he wasn’t sure of anything before coming there...

 

Until he saw a familiar figure. There he is—he saw Woojin exactly right in front of his already opened locker, placing something inside.

 

User _leesashimi_ is the only one who knows Jihoon’s password—well, other than Jihoon himself of course. Jihoon hid behind the white post, feet glued to the floor, legs a bit wobbly and his heart was beating wildly. A heartbeat that he had never felt before—a series of heartbeats that were mixed with joy and fear.

 

He waited for Woojin to leave the building before making his way to his assigned locker. He opened it, and there he saw some hot packs and a strawberry muffin with a post-it saying, _“Stay warm!”_

 

_All this time… user leesashimi is Park Woojin?_

  
—

  
Jihoon decided to not to attend his Philosophy class that day which is his only class on Saturdays.

 

_parkjijiji: Are you from the Music Department?_

 

Jihoon sent _leesashimi_ —or Woojin a message during lunch time.

 

“Are you sick?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then you fucker! Why didn’t you attend today’s class? You’re not answering my messages! We had a surprise quiz! The professor also checked the attendance and shit! I don’t even kn-"

 

He pretty much received an hour-worth of scolding from Jinyoung over the phone for not attending their Philosophy class. But Jinyoung still ended up sending his notes after their talk.

 

It also took a while before Jihoon got a response from Woojin.

 

_leesashimi: Why do you ask?_

  
_parkjijiji: It’s Sunday tomorrow so we can’t meet_ _inside the campus. Let’s meet at the café near gate 4._

  
_leesashimi: Why would we?_

  
_parkjijiji: I’m pretty sure you have lots of explaining to do. Let’s meet tomorrow morning, Park Woojin._

 

Jihoon didn’t get a reply from Woojin after that. He threw his phone on his bed and buried his face on his palm.

 

_It’s time to end the agony.. Time to have all the answers I need. I’ve been in a hell hole these past few months and I’ll do everything, whatever it takes… just to get out._

  
—

  
Wearing his favorite yellow padded jacket paired with pink pants and white rubber shoes, with orange neon shoelace on the left and green neon shoelace on the right, Jihoon entered the café, not in his best condition.

 

It was a Sunday so he wasn’t surprised when he saw how empty the place was. And there was Woojin, the only customer, sitting at the corner by the window, staring at his cup—more like admiring, as if it was some sort of an art piece.

 

Jihoon walked past by Woojin, heading to the counter to grab a warm caramel macchiato. The boy with red hair was too busy admiring the cup to notice Jihoon’s presence.

 

When Jihoon got his drink, he sat across Woojin which made the other startled. Woojin’s eyes quavered and had a huge gulp of his chocolate drink.

 

“Be quick Park Jihoon. I’m quite busy.”

 

“Well then, I want to know everything. Are you really leesashimi? Are you my admirer? To top that, who really is Guanlin? What am I supposed to remember about him? Sweet hell! You don’t know much headache you’ve given me on our first meeting.”

 

“ _He_ didn’t say anything about you being this annoying though,” Woojin murmured but it was loud enough for Jihoon to hear. “Anyway, Mr. Park Jihoon, I guess it’s time to put this ridiculous thing to a stop.” It was those eyes again. The eyes Jihoon wished he could read.

 

“Now, ask me the questions again, but one by one. I’m not a darn robot.”

 

“Okay. So, who are you, really? And why are you giving me gifts every single day? Are you my admirer or something?”

 

Woojin choked on his drink at Jihoon’s first attack of questions. But he couldn’t blame him for thinking it that way, though.

 

“I’m Park Woojin, third year student from the Music Department. Wait you already know about that...” Woojin snorted in the middle of his speech. “And I’m not an admirer of yours. Obviously not. But hey, don’t worry, my friend admires you. _Guanlin admires you... a lot._ ” Woojin’s voice broke.

 

Jihoon’s heart was acting insane again. He had heard Guanlin’s name for a couple of times, but when he heard that Guanlin admires him, it felt different. He was supposed to feel ecstatic, but he suddenly didnn’t feel good about where their conversation was going.

 

“Who exactly is he? I tried really hard to find what I had to do with him. But damn!”

 

A deep sigh escaped from Woojin. “I guess you really can’t remember him, huh?”

 

“Just spill the beans, Park Woojin. I’m tired of this.” Jihoon have had enough, Woojin noted.

 

Woojin suddenly felt guilty on what he has done. He was too carried away by his emotions that he decided to play a little game with Jihoon for not being able to remember his friend. _I’m sorry, Guanlin._

 

“Guanlin is my friend. He’s a really nice person, and probably the nicest person I have ever met. October last year, you attended a musical play right? The one that was held at the music hall?”

 

Jihoon nodded, gripping on his cup with his right hand. How could he not remember? It was his brother’s birthday and the first time he entered that building.

 

“That’s the time you and Guanlin met,” Jihoon stared at Woojin in incredulity. “Still can’t remember him? You are lucky he’s talkative and doesn’t hide any secrets from me. Well, does the person in a prince costume during the play give you a hint?”

 

Jihoon looked away to try and reminisce what happened the night. He knitted his brows when he does remember.

 

“Was that him?”

 

“Bingo.”

 

A man dashing in his royal blue costume, hair up, exposing his forehead and has a tall physique. Jihoon remembered exactly how he admired that actor on stage.

 

“But he doesn’t look like the person in the pho-,” Jihoon swallowed his own words when he realized that there really are similarities between Guanlin and the actor he met last year.

 

“Well, that’s given since the picture that was given to you was taken when he was still a freshman. And yeah, he was wearing makeup for the play and his hair was up as well. He looked like a total prince, didn’t he?”

 

A memory of him, bumping into the actor crept on his mind.

 

_Jihoon was waiting outside the hall for Minhyun to arrive and there, he saw a man in a prince costume walking back and forth. The actor looked nervous and uneasy which was why Jihoon decided to approach him._

 

_He asked what’s going on but no words came out from the latter. Guanlin was flustered and fascinated at the same time. When Guanlin was about to say something, a voice from the other side of the hall failed him in doing so._

 

_“JIHOON-AH!”_

 

_“Put the things that are bothering you aside, and I’m sure you’ll do great on stage. I’ll be rooting for you. Best of luck!”_

 

_Jihoon dashed through the hallway to meet his brother who was waiting at the other side.“Hyung! What took you so long?”_

 

_So Jihoon is his name, Guanlin said to himself._

 

“Back then, he invited his parents to watch the musical since it was his dream to become a lead in a play but his parents didn’t come. They did not want to come. His parents wanted a different path for him yet he still went for what he really wanted. He fell in love with you at first sight and fell in love more when you rooted for him.”

 

_When the play was over, Minhyun had to get his car from where he parked it, so Jihoon had to wait in front of the Music Department’s building. He was patiently waiting until someone tapped his shoulder from behind and it happened to be the actor who played as the prince._

 

_He was holding a bouquet of purple lilac which Jihoon assumed was given by one of the audiences._

 

_“Hey! I really enjoyed the play and you’re a really great singer and actor. I knew you would do great!” Jihoon then let out an awkward thin laugh because he’s not really good in socializing at all._

 

_“Thank you. For rooting for me when no one else did,” Guanlin flashed a gummy smile in front of the most gorgeous man he have ever seen, and he’s not exaggerating._

 

_“Ey! Come on, it wasn’t that of a big deal.”_

 

_“It does, to me.”_

 

_A honk coming from a gray car which stopped in front of them saved Jihoon from the awkwardness._

 

_“Oops. I have to go. It’s my brother. Hope to see you around.” Jihoon was about to get inside the car but Guanlin placed his hand gently on Jihoon’s shoulder which made him turn around._

 

_Guanlin picked some purple lilacs from the bouquet and gave it to Jihoon. “Here. I hope you won’t forget about me.” Jihoon noticed the sparkle in the eyes of the taller figure. He took the flower and gave Guanlin an assuring nod._

 

_“Silly. Of course.” And Jihoon went inside the car, heart beating faster than the speed of the car, and louder than the car's engine._

 

“Days later, we noticed how he has become brighter. He liked you so much that he got inspired to make a song. And yes, the song ‘I Promise You’ was dedicated to you, Park Jihoon.”

 

 _Guilt. A total jerk._ Jihoon felt like he was the most awful person at the moment.

 

“When Guanlin’s parents knew that he won in an international contest, they couldn’t be more proud of him and eventually accepted Guanlin again. He was really thankful to you, Park Jihoon. The reason why he started talking to you on the chatting app and gave you gifts. He always wakes up early in the morning to put things in your locker since he noticed how tired and weary you are every day. He has always liked and thanked you from afar.”

 

“I don’t get it. Why didn’t he approach me and he even hid his identity!”

 

“He was scared that you would despise him.”

 

“But why would I? That’s ridiculous! You know what,–” Jihoon has heard enough. He stood from his seat and picked his backpack that was lying on the floor. “Let’s go. Where is he now? I want to see him. I want to talk to him!”

 

When Jihoon was about to open the door and leave the café. He turned around just to see Woojin who was still sitting and didn’t even bother to move a bit. He walked back to where Woojin was sitting with heavy footsteps.

 

“What the fuck? I said let’s go!”

 

Woojin held onto Jihoon’s wrist and lowered his head down, tears starting to form in his eyes. “Hey! What’s wrong with you Park Woojin? I said let’s go! I want to talk to him!”

 

“I wish he could see and hear how much you’ve wanted to meet and talk to him but, you can’t.” A tear broke free and was followed with an unbroken stream when he shut his eyes.

 

_“H-he’s gone. Guanlin is gone.”_

 

“Oh yeah. Silly me. Let me guess. He’s out of the country, right? So when is he coming back?" A nervous-laughter escaped from Jihoon. He felt the teardrop roll by his cheek and wiped it in an instant. "The fuck I'm suddenly crying for."

 

“Guanlin and his whole family moved here three years ago. You caught me putting something in your locker, right? That’s why you thought it was me? Are you not gonna ask me why? Why I was the one doing it? Are you not gonna ask me why I was the one using his account?” Jihoon tried to pull his wrist from Woojin’s tight grip but he didn’t succeed in doing so.

 

He didn’t want to hear what Woojin was about to say. He wanted to be deaf for a brief moment. He wanted to escape. He wasn’t ready, and Jihoon knows to himself that he never will be ready.

 

“It’s because he really is _gone_. He’s not coming back, Park Jihoon.”

 

Woojin let go of Jihoon’s wrist, which made Jihoon fell on the wooden floor.

 

Jihoon agape his mouth for he was having a hard time breathing. He was trying to stand back up but he couldn’t feel his legs. His whole body was numb—but his heart wasn’t. It was aching so much.

 

His lungs rummaged for oxygen. The flesh under his ribcage throbbed and his cheeks burned. It was painful for Woojin to see Jihoon in that state. All he could do was pull him into an embrace and let the torrent of Jihoon’s tears soak through his sweater.

 

Woojin felt how Jihoon wanted to scream but he couldn’t.

 

“It happened in December.” There was no more energy left in Woojin’s voice. “He was supposed to meet you, right? But then he got involved in a car accident. He was still conscious when he was brought to the hospital. He told me that if it was gonna be his last time, I should still give you gifts and send messages. He felt like a month was not enough to express his gratitude and give you the things you deserve. I may be the one buying you gifts and sending you messages for the past months, but remember that they were all from Guanlin.”

 

It was silent for a few minutes. They have both calmed theirselves down and was sitting parallel to each other again. It was all too much for Jihoon, and Woojin understands.

 

“Park Woojin, take me to him. Right now.”

 

They went downtown to buy a bouquet of flowers—purple lilac in particular. They had a hard time searching for lilacs that they had to enter around five stores. They hailed a cab and none of them was talking during the ride.

 

Jihoon placed the bouquet of purple lilac on top of Guanlin’s grave. On top of it was a tombstone made of marble that says “Guanlin Lai”.

 

Part of him wanted to cry his heart out, and the other part of him wanted to hold it back. He didn’t want to Guanlin to see him being vulnerable.

 

Jihoon cleared his throat. “Hello, Lai Guanlin.”

 

“You could drop formalities. I’m sure he won’t mind. And by the way, same with me.”

 

“Noted, _Woojin_.” Jihoon gave Woojin a weak yet sincere smile. He faced Guanlin again and took a deep breath.

 

“I’m such a jerk, am I? I promised to not forget about you but–,” he choked on his own words. His throat suddenly felt dry and as much as he wanted to continue talking to Guanlin, he found it difficult to do so.

 

“I don’t deserve him Woojin. I really don’t. I wasn’t even able to give the love back that I received.”

 

Woojin gave Jihoon a gentle pat on the back. They stayed there for quite some time, filled with silence.

 

_I’m sorry. I’m really sorry._

 

Since then, Woojin and Jihoon got closer with each other. They visit Guanlin when they both have free time. Jihoon would always buy a bouquet of purple lilacs before heading there. He would tell all what have happened during the day, all the things he had wanted to say the time he couldn’t and smiles like an idiot at the thought of Guanlin, listening to his nonsense stories and uneventful life.

 

Jihoon has already told Jinyoung about Guanlin and user leesashimi. Jinyoung felt sad for Jihoon. He knows how much Jihoon has already developed his feelings for that person, and how bad Jihoon wanted to meet him but then again, _things don’t always happen the way you want things to happen._

 

**_December_ **

 

“Jihoon, can you give this to Minhyun?” Seongwu was holding a small box which only him and God knows what’s inside.

 

“Why me? Don’t you have feet? Don’t you have hands?”

 

That’s what happens when Jihoon is with Seongwu, but at the end of the day, Jihoon always ends up handing the gift to his brother.

 

“Hyung, don’t you think Seongwu likes you?”

 

“Ey, that’s impossible! He’s probably just being nice.”

 

_Idiots. A coward idiot and an oblivious idiot. Yup! They’re really meant for each other._

 

_Woojin: Do you want me to come with you?_

  
_Jihoon: It’s okay. I want to go alone today._

  
_Woojin: Alright! Remember, Guanlin hates seeing people cry._

  
_Jihoon: Just treat me and my friends to dinner!_

  
_Woojin: This is Woojin! Not leesashimi anymore. I'll tell Guanlin that you're such a user!_

 

It has been exactly a year since Guanlin’s passing, which was why Jihoon wanted to go alone that day.

 

Jihoon cleared a pile of snow, covering Guanlin’s tombstone using his hands with a pair of pink mittens before placing the bouquet of purple lilacs beside it. Ah, yes— purple lilacs which symbolize _first love_. He sat in front and casually said, “Hey.”

 

It sure is cold, but Jihoon always feels warm whenever he goes to Guanlin. He smiled at the thought that he still cares for him even though he’s already far away.

 

He took out his phone, played ‘I Promise You’ in just the right volume—enough for the both of them to hear. He shut his eyes as soon as he heard Guanlin’s angelic voice and hummed along.

 

He was listening to the original version of the song in which Guanlin recorded alone before the professor asked Woojin to rearrange it. The original one is an acoustic version of what was released publicly. Woojin felt the right to give the only copy of it to Jihoon.

 

He opened his eyes and smiled. “Guanlin-ah. You know what I got today?”

 

_When I wished that just one person_  
_Would be on my side_  
_Even when the world deceived me_  
_Only you believed in me_

 

Jihoon took the copy of the Paragon from his backpack. “TADA!” The papers were distributed in the campus today. He skimmed the pages and stopped right on the page with the article he wrote. He started reading the article as if it was some sort of a bedtime story.

 

_Like a flower that couldn’t bloom_  
_I could’ve withered away_  
_But you’re the one who recognized me_  
_You’re the one who held onto me when I was shaking_

 

After he had finished reading the whole article, he folded the newspaper in half and placed it beside the purple lilacs.

 

“I’m so proud of you. So far, I have never achieved something as big as that. You’re really amazing.”

 

A tear betrayed him once again. “I’m crying again, damn emotions,” and was followed by a stream of warm tears trickling down his face as his mind showed memories and _what ifs._

 

“We could’ve made a lot of memories together if you were still here. But there goes fate, being cruel and dirty. Hope we’ll get our revenge for it in our next life!” A thin laugh escaped from him when he realized how ridiculous it was.

 

Jihoon clenched his fist and placed it in front of his beating heart.

 

“But seriously though, in our next life, I hope the heaven above would feel guilty and give us our happy ending, right? Or just give me another chance to meet you again, and make things right for this life’s Jihoon’s mistakes.”

 

_Promise me that you won’t change_  
_Just like this, until our lives are over_  
_I promise you_

 

“Our meeting was brief, but I won’t let that memory die. I’m sorry if I broke my promise once. I know I was a complete jerk for that and I won’t stop asking for your forgiveness.”

 

_Don’t forget the time when we first met_  
_I promise you_  
_I’ll remember you_

 

“You will always and forever be in my heart. Thank you for everything.”

 

Jihoon opened the jar that he left there a month ago. A jar already half-filled with assorted colors of small pieces of paper, each with different messages. He puts one every time he visits, just like how Guanlin did it secretly back then.

 

Today, he placed a small piece of pink paper inside which says:

 

_Thank you for coming into my life even though it was for a brief moment._  
_I’ll never forget about you, Guanlin._

**Author's Note:**

> That's a wrap! Thank you so much for reading <3 I'm sorry for the mistakes and such!
> 
> It was tragic I know and you guys are probably mad at me right now hahaha.
> 
> Let me know your thoughts by leaving a comment! Or shout at me on my twitter (@guancci) or cc (curiouscat.me/pocarinim)
> 
> HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT!  
> -nikki


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